he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
