But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
