then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he shaved USA in his pubs
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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