this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
