fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
