Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Randomize
