guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
