is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
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