I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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