I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
