Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
