Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
your room smells of hookers.
And success
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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