I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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