i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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