Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
