my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
