You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
