Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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