I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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