is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
