the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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