I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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