I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
