I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Watching her eat just hurts me
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
