the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
