Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
