he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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