No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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