my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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