"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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