i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
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