Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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