yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
