So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
