just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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