Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
