Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
