omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
