wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
