As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
