i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
