I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
