turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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