I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
