I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
