I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
