Apparently you make a good broom.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
