I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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