my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
