ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
