ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Randomize
