she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
