drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
