dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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