i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
