i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I need to sanitize my soul.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
