Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
