Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
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I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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